Where Doctrine Meets the Desolate

I cried in my home office with only the moon providing streaks of light for me. My sobs distorted my words so much I’m sure only God could understand my prayers—pleas for relief, a sign, a moment of comfort, or his fatherly touch—anything to carry me just one more step forward. 

I stared at the shadowy rows of textbooks, Christian living, and theology books that lined my shelves. In one hand I held the sovereignty of God, but the warm embrace with which it once held me now rattled around me like chains. In another hand I held the truths of eternal life and glory, but their dazzling gold streets seemed tarnished against the pain I felt. I recounted the words and phrases I used to comfort other women before me. 

God is with you. Feelings are finicky, and while God may not feel near to you, the Bible tells us he is. I crumpled those words like a sheet of paper in my heart. Instead, questions raged inside. If he is, where is he then? What meaning do promises of nearness hold as I weep alone in the dark?

God is using this present suffering to sanctify you and cause you to cling less to the things of this world. I gritted my teeth together and crumpled that one as well. Is this truly kind discipline, Lord? Where’s your tender, fatherly care? And what good is this suffering if it only makes me more bitter toward you? 

You miserable comforter! I cried with Job. Is there no end to your empty words? (Job 16:2–3). Only this indictment wasn’t meant for a group of heartless friends—it was against myself.

Despite my anger and confusion, I couldn’t reckon away God’s existence. Instead, I sat in the same place C.S. Lewis once found himself: “Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.’”

I would find hope in those textbook doctrines again one day. I still pronounce God’s sovereignty and rejoice in eternal life to come. I still believe God is gentle toward his loved ones and tender in his dealings with us. I still believe in his compassionate discipline. But I didn’t come to that place by more lectures, books, or people reminding me of the positive spin of my situation. There would be many tears and many moments of throwing rocks toward heaven. There would be lament, despair, and prayers with no praise at all. But it would be in that place, where my desolate heart wrestled with my doctrine, that I would find hope in God again.

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